I wouldn’t want to describe myself to someone else so I would deflect away from the question by saying. I’m a musician. And even though this is a wordpress daily prompt I’m not doing it now.
If you feel the same way I do check out Alain de Boton on this YouTube interview with somebody called Chris Williamson (probably a YouTube influencer). It’s very useful advice.
Basically he opens by saying we internalise the voices of childhood. If they’re harsh and critical we embed them like a YouTube link into our own patterns of talking to ourselves. Our inner monolgue starts slagging us off, just like mum, dad, brother, sister, teacher, everyday bully and sub editor did. Potentially paralysing us into inactivity or despair.
In my case. In spite of my qualifications, appearance, education, and ability to play and write music all I hear in my head is what a lazy, babyish, soft loser that I am who deserves to be punched on the head. So I push through it as best as I can knowing somewhere that it’s not true.
When I realise how other people I meet are capable of being self confident in a simplistic way, I find it annoying. So I push through that with a self awareness to ignore myself. Outwardly I teach, support and encourage people for a living. Especially if they have difficulties and need help because I recognise it and relate to it.
Most of the time I don’t wish to talk about this as I feel people will enjoy other’s perceived weakness and prey on it. They do. But today I’m writing this anyway because I’m trying to push through that and warm up writing.
My whole life is coloured by the brutal and negative influences of my childhood and I feel ruined and stuck with it. To get on with people and stay popular I have to let them see a self-confident, funny exterior and try not to be aggressive. Which mostly I manage.
I enjoy watching films, reading books and I wish I could sleep properly. And that’s who I am. I wouldn’t blame people for leaving me alone but strangely I also seem to be liked. Which I am grateful for.
There might be somebody out there like me, so good luck to you. I wish you the best.
If you are interested in checking out my own songs please do. They’re not done with fancy expensive budgets but I do rate my own songs, thankfully. If you’re simply passing on social media fair enough. There’s too much to look at anyway. I get that. Perhaps check out the covers instead.
Mike Kneafsey Guitar 